3-2-3013 [Right after being put in segregation.]
"I'm trying to be positive but its not easy. I think that this little world that's been created inside of this prison has finally begun to wear me down - makes me want to quit.... It's funny but I think that the only way I feel alive is when I'm risking death or utter disaster. You'd think I have a deathwish but I don't - I want to live for ever. I love life - I love this world. I want to ride every ride, watch every movie, play every game. I love the variety and creativity of living and can't wait to see what's next around the corner. ...what I think happened is that somehow in the confusion of the lockdown that something got mixed up. So I soldier on. It seems like another round in an endless game of 'Gotcha'. ... I don't think I can 'prove' that I didn't have any contraband. ... What's weird is that this whole mess feels the same when I'm innocent than when I'm guilty. These people f__ up too. They make mistakes but when they do the bureaucracy - the Machine - it covers up for them insulating them from any consequences from their misdeeds. ... I wanted you to know that I didn't have any contraband, but the weirdest thing is that that fact doesn't matter here. I get treated just the same. Yeah, that really bothers me. I know that it goes with the territory but that knowledge gives me no comfort. Anyways enough bitchin' and moanin'. For the duration of this lockdown they've given us bag meals for breakfast and dinner, and a hot meal for lunch. It's been a steady diet of PB&J, cold cuts and apples and oranges. Today was the first bag meal that didn't have bolgna or Salami as the cold cut; today was turkey-ham."
3-4-13
"I had forgotten what it's like to be in seg - the land of the lost. I've heard countless pointless conversations about stupid shit. Drives me nuts. I have no earplugs so I can't block out the voices. Oh well. ... I'm trying to go through all the possible ways that the hearing officer can possibly find me guilty. My greatest fear is that he simply says that due to the 'lockdown' he'll allow the C.O. to write a bogus c/r. Or that he'll let her offer testimony on the behalf of CO "x" and CO "y", which is not usually allowed. Cuz I know the C.O. will say, 'no, I didn't search his cell - officer x and officer y did and I believe that they did recover the contraband from his cell and I believe them to be truthful.'
...it's not enough for my pride to simply prove my innocence - I want to deliver an eye poke and beat them with the stick they were going to use on me. It occurs to me that arrogance and pride will one day lead to my demise. One of the things you come to see as an inmate is how the employees of the DOC both overtly and subtly look down on you. I see it and I resent the hell out of it. I don't need to be judged by people that know nothing about me or my personal history. Now I know that not everyone employed by the DOC thinks that way - to some people that type of thinking is alien, abhorrent. Yet there is a very numerous powerful cadre who do think like that and aren't shy about showing it. It's like knowing that not everyone locked up is a 'career criminal', some are victims of circumstance - people who simply, at the worst possible times, made the worst possible choice."
4-30-13 [Ani is still in segregation but has moved up a level and now gets his TV and property. These are selections from his letters.]
"I know it’s not so much morning as it is afternoon (its 3 pm) but I just awoke a little while ago. I flossed, washed, braided, injested and excreted so I’m ready for the day. I did go to legal rec this morning so I don’t feel like an utter and complete slug. I also spent some time perusing my purchases from Hamilton [Books] that arrived today. Somehow looking at what I buy seems less fun than the “act” of buying them. Does that make any sense at all? It seems crazy; the wanting is better than the having. The two art books I bought were crappy and not what I thought they’d be; if I had saw them prior to purchase I probably would have passed. But they were worth $7, so I don’t know if I feel that I misspent $14. Then again- given the choice I probably would have spent that money on some other books. It’s not like I would have saved $14. ;0 Ha. ~~ I ate din-din (tater tot casserole. Yum! :P) and read my paper then planned my nights viewing."
5-2-13
"May already – time seems to disappear quicker as I age. Time on my first bit dragged while the last 11+ years pretty much sprinted by me. Weird doppler effect. ~ Ive been reading my Prisoner’s self help litigation Manual. Man, the law is pretty complicated. And there are no “easy” sentences in it. Its going to take me a long time to understand what I'm reading. Yet, I got nuthin’ better to do than read and reread this thing until I got it down cold. I think an hour a day is a good place to begin. Yesterday I got motivated and worked out. Did 108 pushups 8 sets. Woulda, coulda, shoulda done more but I stopped at 7 pm. Survivor was on y’know."
5-7-13
"It’s 11:30 pm and I’m switching between watching Zooey Deschannel on Letterman and Lauren Graham on Leno. I thought I’d give you a few minutes since I’m not too tired, getting there though. I stayed up rather late yesterday listening to my radio program. I’m getting too old for this. Not only is the music changing stylistically so much that it doesn’t sound like what was called heavy metal back when I grew up. That's not to say that I don’t like it, yet one band doesn’t sound all that much different than the next one. Not to mention that I used to spend way more time paying attention to what was going on musically. Nowadays I pretty much listen to what’s on commercial radio which is way different than what's being played on the “college” or “community” stations. Now it's the latter stations where trends are made; corporations rule the commercial airwaves. But what really wears me down is the fact that what I listen to only airs from 11pm – 2 am and 12 am – 1 am. I've been on “seg time” (early to bed; early to rise. A.k.a. Farmer time) since the last time I was on the hill. It worked out to my advantage when I had to get up early for food circus."
5-9-13
"See, I got this new fancy printwheel and I’m simply unable to contain my GLEE at having something new to play with. So now you get this typed letter. I know it’s not as personal as handwriting, but you’re a tough cookie and I think you’ll be fine. I used to hate when someone would say shit like that to me, “you’re a big boy, you can handle it.” Now I play it forward and say it when I’M the one doing the shitty thing. See how that works? And they say I don’t learn. Ha! I’m not the only person that has ever learned THAT lesson.
There’s still time. No one won the Powerball. Might be 300 million. I’m just saying.
The calendar is cool. I like all the room I got to write things. And its so big that it can’t hide from me. Sometimes my planner hides and makes me go on a hunt; thinks that’s funny. “Hey! Lets make the fat indian go nuts. Woooh-hooo!” Good times. The only thing I don’t like is that they give me all the holidays for both Mexico and the Canada, as well as the U.S. If I wanted to know Mexican Mother’s Day is on May 10 then I would have been born Mexican. But I’m not.
So ICI finally got around to REJECTING my complaint. No real surprise there. So I’ll go through the motions and file an appeal with the ARA and then it's court time. Now the rubber is gonna meet the road. I’m also going to drop another letter to El, and see what he has got to say. He thought a rejection would be in my best interest as far as time was concerned. They’ll do what they can to avoid the issues.
Time to get busy."
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