I began this blog knowing that I might disturb the past or that my little corner of the 'net might cause others pain or provoke an angry response. I don't live in a vacuum and having lived my life like Godzilla stomping Tokyo is going to have serious and far-ranging consequences; yet, I have to admit to not being prepared for the situation which I knew would eventually arise.
But I know how to respond to this reminder of my past. I tell the truth and if push comes to shove I can face whats real and I can speak with honesty and integrity about my life. With that in mind I can say I have never and will not make any excuses for my actions nor will I or have I ever asked anyone to make them for me. Don't confuse the words of a lawyer as an attempt to avoid culpability for anything I've done. Lawyers are paid to represent their client and I have no control over what my lawyers and experts choose to say in doing this. Moreover, I don't ask to be forgiven, or even seek redemption even though those concepts are never far from my mind.
I don't think that because of what was done to me excuses what I've done to others or that the people that I've done horribly shitty things to deserve to have had those things done to them. I have no right, moral or otherwise, to treat any human being the way that I have treated them in the past. And people - human beings innocent by and large of doing me any harm - have suffered greatly because of the things that I've done to them. I have felt the very same fear, terror, helplessness, loss, anger and rage they feel, and knowing that I'm responsible for their pain makes me sick. I would give anything to not have done those things to them.
If you respect and accept what I've said above then you might choose to accept the following.
I cannot forget what is also true for me. What follows is less than pleasant but no less true and I have every right to say it. If this makes me seem insensitive or lessens my humanity then I'm sorry that you feel that way.
Everyone who knows me knows the pride I take in being Native American. There is a wealth of historical fact about how Indians have been treated, but I have first hand knowledge of how my family was destroyed by a bureaucratic machine committed to the destruction of the reservation system and by extension its culture and values. So while historians can say, truthfully, that Native Americans were victims of genocide and a systematic attempt was made to destroy N.A. culture by the government of the United States, I had a front row seat and saw the destruction up close.
I try not to link these two worlds - the things I've done and the things that happened to me. I have an axe to grind as a Native American, but I don't want to say that that is the reason that I've done anything to anyone. Native Americans might say that what I've done was wrong and contrary to Native American values and I would agree to a point. I never signed a treaty. I have a huge conflict with how my people have conducted themselves and that conflict extends to my life and actions. But whats been done to me doesn't explain what I've done to others.
I don't need to be the person that I was 10 years ago. I'm not the man I was 10 years ago. I may never be redeemed or rehabilitated and I have little control over others perceptions of those concepts as they apply to me. But I'm a better man now than then. Not perfect but thats not something I strive for. I want to treat people the way all people deserve to be treated - with respect and dignity. I know the love of others, both family and friends, and I give love unconditionally. I will continue to learn and grow. I thank all the people who have supported me with their love and friendship. I apologize unreservedly to those I have done wrong to. You did not deserve what I've done to you and I'm committed to doing whatever it is I need or am able to do to make you whole.
Ani
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I would like to thank both of my external brains for their kind assistance and thoughtful support of this post.
