In the Belly of the Beast - Part 2

THE PICTURE OF MY CELL (in the previous post) is looking from the head of my bed/desk. On the sink are 2 bars of Next 1 moisturizing soap. On the top of the sink are (left to right) two tubes of toothpaste: the skinny one on the left is state-issued, the other is canteen purchased. A stubby toothbrush - all the better to not stab you with. A tube of chapstick and my deoderant. The bricks are all wrong - perspective problems - and the floor should be mottled. I can pace six paces from the corner by the door to the corner by my desk. Light on upper right.

On the one hand, although Jackie compliments me for not blaming anyone but myself for getting in here, there are thousands I want to blame! Ha! Yes, I had all that stuff but that being said, the CO is still an a**hole. Not to blame him - he did his job to be sure. Yet I think it was a bit of a pissy petty ticket.

On the other hand, I'm mad that I let myself get complacent, thinking I wasn't doing all that much wrong. I mean seriously, a baggie of garlic powder?! I guess that's a big caper to these people. What it really was was enough rope to hang myself. The most serious charge is the gambling. I was in a pool - told myself that since I wasn't going to run one what was the harm of being in a pool? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. So now I start off new again. No job, no income, no recreation, no visits, no phone, no shoes. I threw myself down the hole again. Okay - I am sick of it. but I don't know if I like my future free of all VICE. I don't know why it fears me so. Like I'm a loser if I'm all rule abiding. I'll be what I dispise - a drone. They will have won; I will be tamed, owned, brought to heel before people I dispise. Now I'll be a fort Indian waiting to put my mark on the paper so I can get my bottle of liquor and a ratty-ass blanket. I'm so pissed. I have to look at the smug face of some grotty pig knowing that he will always have the upper hand. It just bothers me. Because of it I can't not be self destructive.

(from a letter to Jackie written 9-24-1010)