In the beginning....

I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I'm talking more than the metaphysical; I'm talking practical. I have a forum. I'm just confused about the purpose. Considering the possibilities makes me dizzy(er). This is most certainly some sort of mid-life crisis. I seem to somehow have reached this crossroads unsure of how I got here or where to go next. So let's start with the facts because they seem to be immutable (even if we know they aren't.) I'm 42 years old, incarcerated, Native American, no children (wish I had them), essentially unattached (complicated). Those facts won't change in the near future. So I won't spend too much time talking about that. I'd rather talk about what I can affect. In no particular order, I'd like to put context to some of the following subjects:

• I want to meet normal people. I finally learned that most of my life has been spent with the crazy, the flawed, the profoundly abnormal. I was born to people who survived genocide, adopted by christian monsters. I spent most of my life with drug addicts and criminals. And, while all of this was normal to my frame of reference, I think I knew at that deep primordial level, that this really wasn't the life experience of everyone else. Now I need to change that dynamic. I've begun to evolve. I'm working hard to lay the ghosts of my messed up life to rest. I no longer desire the company of people whom I want to have nothing in common with. And yes, the irony of being in prison, and wanting to be around normal people, is not lost on me.
• I want my best friend's children to understand me. While I've given up on them actually liking me, I hope hope hope some sort of understanding is possible. These writings won't be confessional and I won't justify my life. I've lived a life no one would sanely have chosen for themselves. And I can deal with the consequences. Yet, I need to show my scars: both self-inflicted and those inflicted upon me. It's not as if I sprung up one day completed formed, in perfection, as life doesn't work that way. I'm a complex problem, formed by some weird alchemy of failed social policy, religious brain-washing, greed, and pharmaceuticals. I have been my own worst enemy, although I'm trying to change that. I know that I've done damage to their (my best friend's children's) lives, even if it was unintentional, I would like to be responsible and do no further harm.
• I have a ton of documents I want to share with the world. As a child I was taken by the State of WI Department of Health and Social Services, given to the Lutheran Social Services, and sold to monsters. My experiences might be nothing more than a cautionary tale of what not to do with adopted children. I'm grateful to have met a wonderful group of people who are trying a new way of healing the wounds of the process of adoption. So I invite everyone to look at my life on paper.
• This is also a place to display my art. I'm neither a trained artist nor am I all that good. Yet, what I create I like. I do pin-up art mostly because it's what sells in prison, not to mention that drawing beautiful women isn't a bad way to spend a few hours. I work exclusively in pencil; color mystifies me - I can't work it. I'm also aware that there are people who would psychoanalyze me through my art. To those I say: Have at it. I can take it. However, like the man said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
• I also want to share the prison experience. I've seen one episode of Oz and was kind of shocked to see a maximum security prison depicted falsely. Maybe years ago, or in another state, prisons were/are like that. However, for the most part, Wisconsin prisons are deadly dull. The officers are professional, and while there are staff who will lie and go out of their way to screw a convict over, they are in the minority. So I won't spend a lot of time or effort talking about people trying to learn an honest living. What I will talk about is what I do from day to day and some insight into my thought processes.