Where Things Stand

I began this blog knowing that I might disturb the past or that my little corner of the 'net might cause others pain or provoke an angry response. I don't live in a vacuum and having lived my life like Godzilla stomping Tokyo is going to have serious and far-ranging consequences; yet, I have to admit to not being prepared for the situation which I knew would eventually arise.

But I know how to respond to this reminder of my past. I tell the truth and if push comes to shove I can face whats real and I can speak with honesty and integrity about my life. With that in mind I can say I have never and will not make any excuses for my actions nor will I or have I ever asked anyone to make them for me. Don't confuse the words of a lawyer as an attempt to avoid culpability for anything I've done. Lawyers are paid to represent their client and I have no control over what my lawyers and experts choose to say in doing this. Moreover, I don't ask to be forgiven, or even seek redemption even though those concepts are never far from my mind.

I don't think that because of what was done to me excuses what I've done to others or that the people that I've done horribly shitty things to deserve to have had those things done to them. I have no right, moral or otherwise, to treat any human being the way that I have treated them in the past. And people - human beings innocent by and large of doing me any harm - have suffered greatly because of the things that I've done to them. I have felt the very same fear, terror, helplessness, loss, anger and rage they feel, and knowing that I'm responsible for their pain makes me sick. I would give anything to not have done those things to them.

If you respect and accept what I've said above then you might choose to accept the following.

I cannot forget what is also true for me. What follows is less than pleasant but no less true and I have every right to say it. If this makes me seem insensitive or lessens my humanity then I'm sorry that you feel that way.

Everyone who knows me knows the pride I take in being Native American. There is a wealth of historical fact about how Indians have been treated, but I have first hand knowledge of how my family was destroyed by a bureaucratic machine committed to the destruction of the reservation system and by extension its culture and values. So while historians can say, truthfully, that Native Americans were victims of genocide and a systematic attempt was made to destroy N.A. culture by the government of the United States, I had a front row seat and saw the destruction up close.

I try not to link these two worlds - the things I've done and the things that happened to me. I have an axe to grind as a Native American, but I don't want to say that that is the reason that I've done anything to anyone. Native Americans might say that what I've done was wrong and contrary to Native American values and I would agree to a point. I never signed a treaty. I have a huge conflict with how my people have conducted themselves and that conflict extends to my life and actions. But whats been done to me doesn't explain what I've done to others.

I don't need to be the person that I was 10 years ago. I'm not the man I was 10 years ago. I may never be redeemed or rehabilitated and I have little control over others perceptions of those concepts as they apply to me. But I'm a better man now than then. Not perfect but thats not something I strive for. I want to treat people the way all people deserve to be treated - with respect and dignity. I know the love of others, both family and friends, and I give love unconditionally. I will continue to learn and grow. I thank all the people who have supported me with their love and friendship. I apologize unreservedly to those I have done wrong to. You did not deserve what I've done to you and I'm committed to doing whatever it is I need or am able to do to make you whole.

Ani

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I would like to thank both of my external brains for their kind assistance and thoughtful support of this post.

I'm back

So. The time has come to break the inertia of the helpless and get a post written. I hadn't realized so much time had snuck by since the last time I gave due to this beautiful disaster that I call a life, but as is the nature of time it creeps away quickest when not watched.

It's not like my life has been boring either; since the last post I've gotten kicked off the hill, been thrown into a new cage, gotten doubled up with another trouble-making Native, received a firm date for my upcoming evaluation, and on top of all this commotion I've managed to stay out of trouble. At least I haven't been caught.

That would be funny if it wasn't the truth. Prison seems to be the worst place for a man to try to rehabilitate themselves. While not being a gang member, I have a lot of obligations because I'm indian. Funny how that works out: trapped by ones own culture. It's not that I don't have a choice here, but frankly the alternatives are crap. I couldn't survive in here if I didn't have the weight of the First Nation on my side.

I guess prison changes EVERYTHING. Some people don't realize that ugly little truth of being trapped by the very thing that gives me identity. That's not to say that I don't get a lot of benefit from other indians because I've taken more than my share of goodies and had other brothers put in some "work" for me. Unfortunately, it's just how things get done in here. You want new sheets? Clothes that another man hasn't worn, farted, and done worse in? You want the queens and punks to stay on their squares and leave you alone? You want something for the head to knock the edge off and make the night go as nicely as possible? You want to BELONG and when it's time to stand up you want to be sure you ain't standing all alone?

If you want these things then you better claim up coming through the door because this asn't a joke in here. There are people in here that are going to die in a cell and some of them really don't give a shit if you're a nice guy, or innocent, or trying to be a better person. Yet, when it's all said and done, there are people in here doing the right thing. It's not a good life or easy time but there are people that have turned that corner. Predominantly these are people that have a door that they can eventually step through.

In 2000, the state decided that if you received 10 years in prison then you serve 10 years with zero time off for good behavior. Prisoners are the easiest target for politicians to make hay off. Nobody loves a criminal other than the friends and family of the criminal. Anyhow. In Wisconsin judges are political creatures, too; walleyed eyes on the interests of "justice" as well as their re-election. When they began the "truth in sentencing" garbage they also decided that the current sentencing guidelines needed beefing up as well so most crimes got hefty increases. These lengthier sentences resulted in people doing longer sentences without ANY incentive to change. And this is where I find myself: a 50 year bit with no door.